I.D Essay Book - My Ideal 'Thirties' Woman

I seriously love the new edition of I.D. It is the perfect size to hold in one hand! Do I mind that I have two copies of the same book? No! Anyway, I think Maaya answered her own question at the end of this essay at the Budokan concert - sharing her birthday with thousands of people can't be bad!

I really wish that one day an official English version of I.D is translated by a professional and released by Flying Dog or someone...does anyone think that is possible? Would there ever be enough international interest in these books to warrant publication overseas? Girls' Generation have shown it is possible to get official English versions released but...is Maaya just too niche to get the same attention?

I guess that it would cost too much money for an official translation and publication (T_T) still, an official English homepage would be nice!

My Ideal ‘Thirties’ Woman

By Maaya Sakamoto 
Originally published in I.D.

Among my acquaintances there is a woman I shall call Ms. M who is very popular with both men and women. She is eight years older than me and works as a promoter at my record company. She isn’t flashy, has a strong sense of justice and is always smiling. She can get along with anyone. 

Something unforgettable happened when my single ‘Hashiru’ was released. Ms. M had just become my PR manager and it was at the beginning of our working relationship.

In order to promote ‘Hashiru’ Ms. M had been making the rounds of various media outlets such as radio stations and magazines. But without a big tie-up and because I wasn’t famous even if she gave them a sample CD more often than not she was brushed off with, “We’ll listen to it later.” It wasn’t unreasonable, they were receiving several CDs a day and on top of the desk would be a mountain of sample CDs all piled up. Most likely they would not listen to them all.

One day she was more pushy than usual: “This is a great song, please listen to it,” and the other party replied, “Really? What’s good about it?” I don’t know what she was thinking but apparently she sang the first chorus of the song right there on the spot. Ms. M’s unexpected action took the person off guard and it seems they put the CD on straight away saying, “You’re quite a character. OK! Let’s listen right now.” She says that she did it because at that moment she wanted to make them listen just once with all her heart, but I’ve never heard of another promoter who would promote the song by singing it themselves.

Ms. M always puts her all into what she’s doing. She will fall in love with the artists she is put in charge of and does not hold back on her affection. She treated me with more kindness than I deserved.

The night before my third album ‘Lucy’ was released, I went drinking until the early hours with some staff members in Harajuku. At 5am when the shop was closing there were about two other groups of customers besides us. Ms. M, quite pissed, was babbling drunkenly, “She’s amazing! Maaya Sakamoto is amazing! I’ll follow her to the end!”

She accosted the waiter who brought our bill saying, “I’m really sorry to bother you but can you please put on this CD? It goes on sale tomorrow. It’s really good, please put it on.” She’s a pretty devious drunk…I was embarrassed and brought the conversation to a close with a friendly smile, “No, don’t worry about it.”

A little while later, thinking that Ms. M had been in the bathroom a long time I looked around to find her in the back of the shop chatting to the staff about something. She was pressuring them to put ‘Lucy’ on.

Finally, after Ms. M had put the heat on them, the staff really did play the CD. ‘Lucy’ is a nice album but I wouldn’t have said it was a particularly good fit for a French-style bar. But I was really happy and Ms. M cried again.

When she comes to my concerts or plays she is always crying somehow. Before she comes to see them, when the opening night draws near, she will go to pray at a shrine dedicated to a god of the arts on my behalf. She has the quick reflexes of a Kansai woman on her comebacks. She is quick to realise when there is something up with me. She lectures me when I complain. Always laughing, always crying, always getting cross. If I was a man I would want to make her my wife.

When she entered her thirties, as it was an important turning point age-wise I secretly planned to give her a special present. It was something I couldn’t possibly do on my own: I got all the people who knew Ms. M well to write her a message. After I floated the idea to them, over sixty people took part out of their affection for Ms. M. 

What was surprising was that it was not in the least bit difficult to gather all these messages together. All of the participants were really helpful, and all the messages were incredibly detailed and overflowing with words straight from the heart. There was no flattery or things said out of politeness. I understood once again how far and how deep her personal connections went. I had thought of the idea for the present and stuck the messages into an album but in reality I hadn’t done anything at all. This wonderful present was a success of Ms. M’s thirty years of life. This was a treasure that she had created herself. 

When I go over to her house to hang out the album is always on display for everyone to see. The front cover is a cute portrait of Ms. M drawn by an artist she manages. She says that, “If there was an earthquake then this is what I would escape with.” 

When I turn thirty, I wonder if I will be able to celebrate my birthday together with so many people like she did.

I’m not very confident!!

I.D Essay Book - Festival

It's been a while since I posted a translation but I felt like I had been on the computer too long today when I got back from work and writing out this long hand was really relaxing. The new edition of the essay book is so easy to hold in one hand! It's really light and flexible! Two thumbs up from me.

Since it's summer, it's fitting that the next essay to come out of the book is about a festival. Unfortunately the festival season is almost over but it's going to be hot for a while yet so I think it's a nice read for a summer evening. Enjoy!



Festival

Speaking of festivals, there is one scene that is for me unforgettable. It was something that happened when I was in the third grade of elementary school. It was the summer holiday that I went to stay at my grandmother’s house in Saga.

I got friendly with another child from the neighbourhood, K-kun, and together with my cousins we played together almost every day. As K-kun was the oldest, he became the leader without anyone realising it. Tanned dark from the sun, he wore a white t-shirt that was a little too big for him. I don’t remember what his face looked like.

One evening there was going to be a big festival so we children got to go out as well. It was a huge thrill and a luxury to be given pocket money and allowed to go out and play at a time of day when we usually would never have been allowed outdoors.

Children run without any reason to hurry, that’s the way they are. Even though the straps hurt my big toe, we hurried to the arcade in our beach sandals, patter patter. We were sucked into the bustling atmosphere, gradually swallowed up by the crowds of people. But buried in the adults who were crowding all around, we couldn’t even see the main stage; even if we had wanted to buy something from a stall it was all we could do to just keep sight of our friends. It was a scary, helpless moment when I thought about what might happen if I got lost in a town I was unfamiliar with.

But right then K-kun quickly pushed his way through the crowd, shouting “This way!” Panicked, we followed him and came out in a small alleyway. Twisting and turning again and again, running out through a fishmonger’s…set free from the crowds of moments before we just ran and ran.

Running, running, before finally making it through the confusing alleyways to find ourselves back at the entrance to the arcade we had been in earlier.

“There,” K-kun hadn’t brought us to a festival stall, but to a normal barbeque stand which stood there every day. Watching the festival’s energy from afar, we split piping hot takoyaki sitting on the curb. I can’t forget that nameless emotional high I felt in that moment. The unease I had felt moments before had disappeared, now a feeling of exhilaration from relying on K-kun’s trustworthiness through the back streets of an unfamiliar city. For a weak Tokyo child like me it is a special memory. Even now when I smell raw fish the image of K-kun’s back, clad in that white t-shirt, is engraved into my memory.

Just the other day, I had the chance to go back to Saga all of a sudden. My grandmother had passed away.

My now all grown up cousins took me for a walk along that old arcade. At the back of the station, which has been done up very nicely, the arcade was very quiet. There were lots of shops which were shuttered up. As it had always been, the shrine we used to go to was full of crows.

I thought to myself, I bet I’m the only one who remembers that festival. But my cousin pointed to an alleyway behind the arcade and said, “Do you remember that? That’s where we all ran out from at the festival.” So it wasn’t just been me who had experienced that emotional high that night!

I wondered whether to ask about K-kun or not. But as I did, I was surprised to hear his name being brought up by the other party: “Do you remember K-kun?” My cousin is now a dance instructor and it turned out K-kun was one of her pupils. When I enquired further, it came to light that K-kun, who I had thought was older than me, was actually a year younger!

Because he had lead everyone else, I had been under the impression that he was older. Wow, your memories really can be wrong sometimes…

My cousin showed me a video on her phone. It was a clip of K-kun’s back as he danced into a shop window in the arcade at night. The image of him shaking his butt to calls of encouragement was hilarious, and I laughed with a strange but happy feeling as I thought, “Ah, K-kun is always from behind.”

I try walking along that back path once again.
I smell the fishmongers.

Fin.

Larger cover and pre-order link for 'I.D' re-issue!

The Sai-zen-sen editor's blog has been updated again with a high-def photo of I.D's new cover and blurb. The entry also has another photo of the proofs on someone's desk, I guess they're working on it as we speak.

I shouldn't be this excited about a re-issue...

EDIT:

Pre-order link for Amazon JP. Doth mine eyes decieve me? That's a bargain at 620yen!

'I.D.' essay book re-issue cover revealed

That's it, I'm sold on buying 'I.D.' again. The new cover has been unveiled by the online bookstore JBook this morning and it's really pretty. It's actually one of the photos from the original book formatted for the cover. Pretty though. The book will be re-released on August 10th 2011.

Originally the book was only available through her fanclub website or at her fanclub concerts, then the second edition came out and was available through HMV. This is going to be the first widely available edition. So you might even see it in bookshops if you visit Japan from August! I hope so.

Awesome. As I said in my previous post on this re-issue, my old copy is getting damaged by holding it open to translate for long periods, the spine is cracking. I think I'll leave it here and then pick up the new version in Japan to use in future.

On sale 10/08/2011

I've come a long way but,
Just like how I felt when I saw the horizon that time,
Everything is connected.

From a children's theatre troupe, through first love, music, acting on stage - this is the record of a solitary journey leading to 'from everywhere'. In this gem of a book each and every word sparkles with life.

This is the paperback edition of Maaya Sakamoto's first essay book published in 2005. There is also an afterword about what happened 'afterwards' in this paperback edition.

EDIT: Sai-zen-sen's editor's blog also posted up a little entry with a picture of the proofs on someone's desk here.

You can also see inside of the first volume of 'Full Moon Recital Hall' on this entry. I think 'lush' is the word I'd use to describe it. Really, really nicely done.

'I.D.' essay book will be published again on Star Seas Press

The publishing company Star Seas Press has announced that it will be publishing Maaya's essay book 'I.D.' in August 2011. This is the company which is also publishing Maaya's 2010 project, the Full Moon Recital Hall, in the summer.

This is unexpected, but it's been announced on both Maaya's official site and on the Sai-zen-sen editor's blog as well so it's definitely true ^^

『アイディ。』

著者：坂本真綾

定価：未定

ISBN：978-4-06-138915-1

発売日：2011年8月9日

サイズ：文庫判

It will be out on August 9th 2011. According to the announcement it's getting a new a 'new look' for its re-release so...that's something to look forward to.

Now, will it be pretty enough to make me replace my current copy which is starting to fall apart? The original design isn't that great for propping open and holding with one hand to translate from...the white cover is getting dirty too. All hail a new edition!

Source: Maaya's official site and Sai-zen-sen

I.D Essay Book - I met 'Les Mis'... (part 6 of 6)

Read the previous part here. Or go back to the beginning.


I.D Essay Book - I met 'Les Mis'... (part 6 of 6)

And now the present.


When the editor of a certain magazine came to see me on stage he said the following: “Years ago, back when you were still in high school, I asked you who you would like to play in the future. You replied: Eponine from Les Miserables. I remember writing that article, and now to think your dream has really come true…”

As he said this he was moved to tears. I’d forgotten until he reminded me but yes, that article does exist. Eponine was so far away then and such a big deal, a dream of a dream, that saying something like that was ridiculous.

And now even though I’ve been playing this role, the ideal Eponine I want to portray is still a long way off. Has my dream come true? Or is it still far off? I’m not sure. I realised that the goal was not obtaining the role in itself, but the true challenge is from now on ‘how can I perform this role?’ It’s like I’m setting sail towards an island of dreams that may not even exist and I don’t know how to get there. If this continues I think that that the day my dream will truly come true might not ever come.

I’d actually decided that I would leave once the Tokyo run had finished. It had been difficult, and even I was worried about whether it was such a good idea to let an amateur continue to stand on stage.

But, when I realised, it was my third year as Eponine. Even now I’m still standing on the stage of Les Miserables.

Worry, desires, depression, tears…my days on this production always progress in leaps and bounds. I was surprised at how faint-hearted and weak I had been in the past and was disappointed in myself. But then I decided: no more, no more. When the curtain rises, it’s so fun and I’m so happy, almost equal to the pain I had felt. I learnt so much and felt so much that on the final day of the show’s run I thought, ‘let’s try staying a little longer.’

And now, little by little, this once class drop-out is beginning to enjoy being on stage.

I’ve graduated from being so nervous that I can’t talk to people before a performance, and from looking at the floor when I leave a stage door so I won’t see the faces of the audience. Raising my head and calmly taking a look around has opened my eyes to many important things.

The staff and cast members standing in the stage wings, unseen, mouthing along to the words. How you can feel the love people have for the show from how they fix their eyes on the stage. How before my turn, I take a deep breath and someone pushes me forward saying, “Off you go!” How the person in charge of the costumes and wigs makes me laugh when I’m down. The profile of each actor, all struggling in their own way, shining as they sing. How I can feel the quiet breathing of the audience when I’m alone on stage to perform ‘On my own’.

With each of these things, I think from the heart: this is happiness.

But I’ll never forget those feelings from my first year. All of it became my blood and bones, helping me to grow into who I am now. Because I found my weaknesses I was able to know strength. No matter what happens, when I think of those days I know I can carry on. Of course, my work is not yet done, but that’s why I think I can go on, believing that something lies ahead.

It’s been decided that the next run will be Osaka in winter 2005, then on to other places up until next spring.

As ever, I have no choice but to cross this sea in my rowing boat, tossing between joy and sorrow.

Fin.

I.D Essay Book - I met 'Les Mis'... (part 5 of 6)

Read the previous part here. Or go back to the beginning.


I.D Essay Book - I met 'Les Mis'... (part 5 of 6)

I met the guardian spirit…

While I was thus preoccupied, the day we were to enter the theatre arrived in what seemed like no time at all. In rehearsals we had worn training clothes, without microphones or scenery, but from this day we would on stage with everything to hand as if it were the real thing.

It was the first time I stood on the Imperial Theatre stage. I’ve been there many times as an audience member but from the stage it looks like a different theatre. It was late in the day but I finally felt like I was truly standing on the stage of ‘Les Mis’.

The rows hold around 1,900 seats. Right now it’s deathly quiet but in a few days time there will be a person sitting in every one of those seats. The tickets have already sold out down to the last show. Every day for several months people will come here to see ‘Les Mis’.

The large barricade, as famous as ‘Les Mis’ itself, has a great power when you get up close to it. The students built the barricade across the allies of the city for the sake of the revolution. The scaffolding is not the easiest, so it feels like you’ll lose your footing if you’re not paying close enough attention. When I stood on the top it was higher than I thought it would be. I’m not that great with heights and at the start I couldn’t easily climb down to the second step. As Eponine I have to descend quickly, dressed in a coat so long I’m almost dragging it.

It’s a huge theatre. I wonder if I’ll be able to act and project my voice to the back of the balcony. With the revolving stage and large equipment, I wonder if we will be able to finish 30 performances without injury…I was full to the brim with these sorts of anxieties, but, strangely, I felt lighter than I had felt throughout the six months of rehearsals. I didn’t have any reason to think like this, but my heart was fluttering and I felt like something wonderful was going to happen.

I will never forget the first time I put on Eponine’s wig, her costume and makeup, and went out on stage. The person who had been reflected in the mirror was no longer me, and thanks to that I was able to get into character completely. The power of her costume and wig is incredible.

That day, I think I met the guardian spirit of the Imperial Theatre.

The scene where Eponine appears. After entering at the back, I was slowly walking to the centre of the stage when I felt myself trembling. There is a guardian spirit in this theatre, who has watched over the actors for years and years, he’s probably checking me out as a newcomer right now, I thought. I greeted him in my heart: please watch over me for the next two months.

On to the final part now...

I.D Essay Book - I met 'Les Mis'... (part 4 of 6)

Read the previous part here. Or go back to the beginning.


I.D Essay Book - I met 'Les Mis'... (part 4 of 6)

I got depressed...

Even when the real thing was almost upon us I was still, as ever, occupying the position reserved for the drop-out of the company.

There was definitely a unique atmosphere of tension during rehearsals. And as there were four actors for each role the rehearsals couldn’t run at a pace that was right for you. Most of the time you were just watching, with the opinion that it was fine as long as you were able to rehearse each scene once. To say it another way, we weren’t able to practice through repetition. Of course, it wasn’t just the Eponines but a lot of the actors involved were also having a hard time under these circumstances.

And as I’m sure you can imagine, there was no way that you could avoid being aware of the other actors playing your part. When I watched the others playing Eponine I would ooh and aah and ‘That’s Epo!’ before arriving at “I wonder how my Eponine looks…” There is no answer to the question “Which is the right one?” Even if you are singing the same lines to the same melody, or wearing the same costume, if the actor is different then there is no way that the outcome will be the same. It is natural that each performance is different. I knew that, but still I felt uneasy.

I felt a pressure that I had never experienced before in my whole life. I had no idea that I was so weak psychologically. Just hearing the music from my once beloved Les Mis now made my body ache all over. My knees would go weak when I arrived at rehearsals and my voice would refuse to come out. I felt sick constantly. I devoured self-help books on ‘training the spirit’ and ‘beating stress’. And when I think back now I realise that I was ill practically all of the time.

Because of all this the album I was making at the same time wouldn’t come together how I wanted it to. Even when I tried to write songs nothing but dark lyrics, lyrics with no salvation, would come out.

There were times when staff who I knew well sent me into hysterical bursts of tears just telling me “We’re looking forward to seeing you on stage.” This was also a new experience for me.

Why is my beloved Les Miserables making me so miserable? This was supposed to be my dream but why am I not happy?

I’m sure that there are more anecdotes from the rehearsal stage that I could tell you but thinking about it as I write this now, it only confirms what I suspected: rehearsal was full of nothing BUT these sorts of occurrences. I’m sorry it’s not more interesting.

From my time as a child actor until this point, I had been able to make it without difficulty. I was just lucky, always protected by someone…You would not be mistaken if you were to say that the days of my first year on Les Mis were the first true setback I had ever experienced in my life. In this, whatever happened, there was no way to move forward unless I used my own strength to stand up, used my own two feet to proceed. But I had never once had to do something as simple as this for myself before.

My only hope was to believe in myself, but my self-belief had been crushed long before and I had now arrived at a point where I could no longer depend on it for anything. Yet despite all this, the opening night marched relentlessly closer.

Note: The album she mentions was 'Shonen Alice'.

To be continued...

I.D Essay Book - I met 'Les Mis'... (part 3 of 6)

Here's the next part of the essay from 'I.D' I've been working on. Maaya recounts her experience of working on Les Mis from the beginning. Third part out of six, although the next three parts aren't so long at all. For this essay I've been translating by hand into a notebook and I can't believe I didn't do this before! It means I actually have a hand to hold the book open! The only problem is my poor copy of 'I.D' is starting to fall apart at the spine from useage. It's already pretty dirty...boo.

I've also FINALLY ordered 'from everywhere' after umm-ing and aa-ing over which online store to buy it from. Yesasia and CDJapan were both pretty even, as one had an expensive book but free shipping and the other had a cheap book but expensive shipping. However, then I found the used book section on Amazon.co.jp and bought a second hand copy for about 850yen and even though the shipping was included it was still cheaper than a brand new book and shipping from the other stores. Intresting...

EDIT: I've actually just stumbled upon this Youtube clip of Maaya talking to an audience about her time at Les Mis and she gets quite teary when she says that she when she had so much trouble she never thought she'd still be here seven years later. Just some more context for you all ^^


Read the previous part here. Or go back to the beginning.


I.D Essay Book - I met 'Les Mis'... (part 3 of 6)

I cried...

I definitely did something wrong. These words echoed around my head every day. Or rather, I knowingly began to lead myself straight down the road of negative thinking.

Sickness comes from the spirit, everything flows from your feelings: it really is that way. I was completely overwhelmed by my feelings. If I tried to sing my throat would suddenly close up and my legs would start to shake. I worried about what everyone was thinking so I was unable to act normally. Then I would lose any confidence I had left because I couldn’t display my full abilities, becoming even more wound up until my voice would not come out at all. It was a vicious circle.
Up until that point I’d also never had any formal vocal training. I had no experience of someone teaching singing technique or telling me the correct way to produce sound.

For Les Mis there was a music director and a singing instructor who would give out very detailed instructions and orders. Unlike singing pop music it was important that we sang while staying in character, and obviously hitting your notes and staying in key is important, but above all the expressiveness of your voice and your power of expression is critical. In order to put emotion into the voice when singing we were often required apply specific techniques, for example ‘for this bar, use vibrato from the third beat’ or ‘this note is falsetto, followed by your natural voice from the next one’.

But for me, who had never thought about how I used vibrato, or my falsetto or natural voice, it was somehow impossible. I couldn’t remember how the mechanisms within my body worked when I had sung in the past up until this point. I would get confused from over-thinking and could not longer do the things that I had always been able to do. I agonised over it. I began to sing in a voice that no longer sounded like my own.

But this wasn’t just a lack of technique or the condition of my throat, the bottom line was that the fragility of my mental state was the root of the problem. I couldn’t do it because I was thinking ‘I can’t do this’.

But you’ve been releasing CDs and giving concerts for years, you are a singer! You’re not some amateur, you look so uncool making excuses. Even if you make them no one is going to say ‘Oh I see, I see, well it can’t be helped then’. There are three other actresses here to play Eponine. And they are all so impressive. So why is it just you who’s snivelling, eh? But even though I scolded myself I couldn’t escape from the whirlpool of lost confidence that I had fallen into. I rapidly lost weight; I couldn’t sleep; I couldn’t eat; whether I was awake or dreaming I was suffering from ‘Les Mis-itis’. Lord, is this a trial to help me grow? Or is it simply a punishment? Are you saying ‘You can overcome this!’ or ‘You should remember your place!’ Which is it? Tell me!!

With my useless grief the unrewarding days continued. It was excruciating. It was endless. Countless times on my way home from rehearsals I completely despaired, thinking ‘shall I just continue on to somewhere far away?’ There were also times when my feet would suddenly stop moving on the train platform and I would just sit there for hours. I had no idea how I could give anymore. I had given everything, squeezing out every last drop, so there was nothing left inside me. Despite that, that I still couldn’t even see any light ahead…

As I continued to rehearse burdened by these cowardly feelings, everyone else taking part in the rehearsals began to look like a panel of judges. I wonder what they are all thinking…And gradually even looking at my co-stars became difficult. Even when they said good bye, smiling as they said ‘good job’, my mental state had fallen into the illusion that they were actually saying ‘give up already!’ That’s how anxious I had become.

It was only natural that everyone worried about me. Well, they weren’t actually worried about me personally; they were worried about whether I would put the show in danger if I were to go on stage like this. Is she really ok? Even I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about it. It was universally acknowledged that I was a complete drop-out.

Then one day some members of staff who could no longer sit by and watch what was happening asked me to stay behind after rehearsals had finished. I am happy that I was able to get an individual lesson as it was a great honour but at the time all I could feel was how sorry I was to be causing them trouble. They’re definitely regretting that they picked someone with such poor performance. I’m causing them so much inconvenience by making them take time out just for me.

After the individual lesson had finished and I had returned to the locker room there were still people in the midst of getting ready to go home. I clenched my teeth, trying to wait until I was alone but couldn’t hold it in whatsoever and I cried for the first time in a long while. When I was a kid I used to cry so much that I couldn’t breathe but I didn’t think I would cry this way as an adult!

It’s not sadness. It’s frustration. It’s just too frustrating. I hate myself.

It was embarrassing and unattractive but I was in such a state that I was no longer able to control myself. The people next to me as I wailed were surprised too. Please, don’t say anything, ignore me. I don’t want anyone to see me like this…

But someone said the following to me. Making an awful face as I sobbed, Marcia said these words to me, not encouragement or comfort, simply in a strong-willed voice:

“That frustration is something to treasure. Because it is a feeling felt by those who are undeniably strong.”

From that time onwards these words from Marcia have appeared in the back of my mind countless times, supporting me.

Like this, the words from my co-stars have always been what have saved me. Everyone is fighting. To me everyone might seem calm and composed but each of them are always fighting within themselves, every day they are standing to face a difficult question with no answer to be found. It is not just me who anxious, nervous or under pressure.

The people who passed me tissues that day without saying a word, the people who held my hand until we had talked it out, the people who rehearsed with me; these people gave me strength and taught me that ‘we are comrades’.

Read the next part here

I.D Essay Book - I met 'Les Mis'... (part 2 of 6)

Read the previous part here.


I.D Essay Book - I met 'Les Mis'... (part 2 of 6)

It began…

The first day of rehearsals. I was so nervous that I don’t really remember what happened.

The real thing was more than half a year away and I didn’t really feel like I would actually be playing Eponine. Furthermore, I’m extremely shy in front of strangers and I felt like I couldn’t breathe from the pressure of being swallowed up in this narrow room full of people I didn’t know. From my point of view everyone there was impressive, overflowing with confidence. Oh no, everyone is totally thinking ‘who the hell are you?’, aren’t they…Even doing warm-up exercises there were so beautiful, like they were dancing. I felt sorry for myself, being so out of place. I started to want to apologise loudly to everyone there.

For this production there were several actors cast for each role and we would appear on rotation. Including both the principle and ensemble casts there were about 80 people in total! Even remembering names and faces looked challenging. Most of the staff had been working on the Japanese production since it began. Honestly, they seemed intimidating. Will I get used to all this someday?...I can’t imagine being able to at all.

By the way, generally rehearsals for a show will run for three months before a show opens at the most, at the very least they will last about a month. Rehearsals starting half a year before the opening like this are rare. Well, normally for a new production quite often you can’t rehearse even if you want to because the script isn’t finished until just before the actual opening. But Les Mis is a work that has been improved upon again and again over a number of years. The script is fixed, the rough movements of each character, the lighting, costumes, everything down to the props is already decided.

You might be tempted to think that it’s easy for the actor because everything that they are to do has been decided for them, but for us this was yet another difficulty. For most of the actors, like me, this was their first time performing Les Mis, and until now we had been in the audience watching the action. Because we were fans and knew it well we each had an image of ‘it has to be like this’, caught up in our preconceptions. It was necessary for us to have this almost too long preparation period of half a year so we could search for a way to become our own version of Les Mis while fighting those preconceptions.

In the beginning, the rehearsals were just like stage school. Two hours of singing practice, then after a short break there was a two hour class for moving our bodies – so four hours in total. During singing class everyone sat on chairs lined up in front of the piano and were taught by a singing instructor while we read the Les Mis score which was divided into two thick volumes. Each solo part was given out right there “Next, Mr./Ms. so-and-so”, and we would have to stand and sing in front of everyone. This really made my stomach ache. For starters, I can’t read music. If someone says “This is a semi-quaver,” or “Here you need to use ritardando,” I have no idea what they are talking about; I had to start by learning the vocabulary.

If you were to ask what the movement class was like, it started with stretches and yoga, then went on to things like workshops on walking techniques and practising how to waltz.

However, I’ve never learned to dance. People are shocked at how stiff my body is. For someone such as myself who was born with zero athleticism doing yoga and waltzing was pure torture. Why the waltz? Because in the show there is a scene of a wedding ceremony and most of the cast pair up boy-girl and waltz. My character Eponine does not appear in this scene. So even though I was thinking to myself that ‘I don’t really need to be doing this, do I?’ I couldn’t bring myself to say it so I desperately danced the waltz, stepping on other people's toes all the while.

On another day we were given a lecture by a professor who had been invited to come in. As Les Mis is set in the 19th Century this was a class for us to gain knowledge of the minute customs and culture that we would have been intimate with. Textbooks were duly given out and we studied the minutiae of the period’s fashionable clothing, the market price of labour wages etc. This was really useful for us to understand the roles that we would be playing.

Another time we had a women only rehearsal.

Towards the beginning of the story there is a scene inside a brothel. I play one of the prostitutes in this scene and this women’s only rehearsal began with a debate connected with how we would build our characters.

If you are asked by someone to “Please play a prostitute,” I imagine everyone imagines the same kind of thing. Generally they would try standing with their legs parted, or try swaying their hips in a seductive way, smirking as they gesture invitingly to customers. That kind of image pervades but without personal experience it is difficult to imagine a real prostitute. Despite that, because there is a reward in playing the so-called ‘role of social outcast’ as an actor, we tend to want to put all of our effort into these things. So ultimately we have a tendency to portray a prostitute as nothing but a ‘coarse woman who still seems to somewhat be enjoying herself’.

We gathered together and sat down in a circle, just the female actors and staff members, and tried to delve into the issues afresh.

What sort of person was a prostitute at that time? How much did she earn? We talked about sexually transmitted diseases, contraception, abortion; the personalities and jobs of the men who would come to buy a woman; how the women would make themselves appealing to the customers. While we were talking, there were people who got upset and cried.

Women who were sold by their parents to brothels, accommodating many men who they didn’t even necessarily like all day, using painful methods to have abortions over and over again. There were probably also women who just loved having sex and enjoyed what they did, or women who went mad after contracting an STD.

From that starting point we began to rethink the image of the prostitute we would play. After the debate each of us was able to come up with an individual interpretation.

After that the male actors came into the room. The women were in the centre of the room, representing the brothel. Then we performed an etude where the men walked around the outside as they made their decisions, and if they saw a girl they liked they would come forward and lead her out. This is apparently a famous rehearsal technique which they used for the first Les Mis production all those years ago, but when you try it in real life, no matter how many times you tell yourself it’s all a performance, it is truly exhausting. That I would feel so insulted by it. Treated like an object, my hand pulled without any affection at all, it was really hurtful. Despite that, having to put on a smile for business, having to use my sex appeal on the men passing by so I would be able to eat that day, or for the sake of a family I have to provide for.

But over time you even get used to that sadness…The women would be taken by strong alcohol, their deaths gradually closing in. This scene is truly exhausting, even though I’ve done it countless times.

So the rehearsals began with basic practices like this but little by little became proper rehearsals and then continued on to full-scale rehearsals using the revolving stage.

On to the next part now...

I.D Essay Book - I met 'Les Mis'... (part 1 of 6)

I've finally pulled out the 'I.D' essay book again. I apologise for the rather large gap. It seems like 'You Can't Catch Me' promotion has calmed down and while there's ongoing drama with the tour I figured that it's a good opportunity to get on with the essay book.

So! Here we are, the second long essay of the book: Maaya's experience working on Les Miserables. It's quite long, so again I've broken it down into the parts Maaya herself has split it into. I'm working on the second part so there shouldn't be *too* much of a gap between posts. At least, not between the first a second parts.

Note: grammatically the sections are all similar in that they use Verb-TE Shimatta which gives a sort of a negative overtone to the verb. As in, oh no I forgot my textbook vs. I forgot my textbook. OK? I decided to express this with '...' after the verbs in the section titles as I thought it gave a similar effect.

EDIT: Actually, if anyone has a tip for that particular translation issue then I'd very much welcome it!

Anyway, on to the main event!



I met 'Les Mis'... – Part 1 of 6

I passed...

Summer 2003. It was decided that I would stand on the Imperial Theatre stage for two months.

Les Miserables. Everyone has heard of this famous production. It has been translated into lots of languages in countries all over the world and this was the Japanese version of the hugely popular London musical, which has run for more than twenty years.

The character I was to play was Eponine, an important member of the cast and who sings that famous number: ‘On My Own’.

This was a big deal...I heard that a huge number of people auditioned for the part, and out of all those people just what exactly were they thinking when they chose me, who had no idea what she was doing? When the letter came to say that I had passed I was happy of course but immediately I turned pale, possessed by a sense of unease and nervousness.

Of course I’ve been to see Les Mis before. Not just once, I’ve taken myself to the theatre over and over again, each time thinking that ‘yes, I really do love this show!’ That’s exactly why I knew for sure that they had been thoughtless when choosing me, and I keenly understood how much hardship lay on the road ahead.

It’s strange for someone to say while they are auditioning for a part that if they got through it would be a problem for them. But I took the audition process fairly light-heartedly, fully expecting to fail; first stage, second stage, third stage...and each time I progressed I gradually began to lose my nerve.

Then, the final audition. They were to film us singing in front of a video camera then send it off to the staff in London. Just before it was my turn I blurted out “I give up here!” The burden is too much for me, just let me have the good memory of getting this far...

But wait, that’s a neat little excuse I’ve just given but the real reason was different.

I was simply scared. I was trying to run away because I didn’t want to get hurt.
I’ve always been like this, I've always wanted to run away at the last second. And oh, how well I run.

In the beginning, I wasn’t interested in passing at all, I was just testing myself when I had that first audition, I didn’t care if I made it through or not. I was just grateful for the opportunity to sing my beloved ‘On My Own’ and if, in that moment, I could give it all I had then that would be all that mattered. Despite all that, when the slight possibility of me getting to the next round appeared I would not acknowledge it, saying, “Oh, I’ve definitely failed.”

Why can I just admit honestly how much I want something? Even though I really wanted to get the part of Eponine, even though it was my dream to get it, I was trying to ignore it completely. I was merely afraid of my small pride being hurt. This is a once in a lifetime chance, is this really the time to be playing it cool?! Are you alright with running away like this without ever getting to touch the core?

This is why I changed my mind in the end and went through to the final round with the video recorder. I wasn’t at all confident that the performance I gave was the best I could do but if that was all I was capable of then there was nothing else I could do about it. I was satisfied that I had forced the coward inside me into action through self-awareness.

“Ah, I’m so happy that’s over.” Inside me this chapter was done and dusted. Which is why I was surprised when a few days later the results arrived. Huh? I wish I could have arrogantly just taken it as my due but I was thinking just what the hell was I going to do with this thing in my hand

I had no idea how to hold the treasure now in my grasp, there was no way for me to back out, I was wavering because I’d gone and done something I wasn’t able to do.

And with this, my ordeal began.

On to part two now

I.D Essay Book - Bony Bony Rock

Now, I'm cheating a little. I said I'd have something new *hopefully* today but when I settled down to translate the next essay from Maaya's book 'I.D.' I noticed it had been previously published on her official website. The essay book, as I've mentioned before, is a collection of new essays AND content from her blog on her official HP. Hence, when I checked Deltafour's wonderful translation archive he had already got this essay done and dusted as one of Maaya's online blog posts.

Thus, I direct you over to his wonderful body of work for the next essay from 'I.D.' and I shall see you next time!

I.D. Essay Book - Bony Bony Rock translated from the I.D. website by deltafour

What a lovely surprise! With this though, the first part of Maaya's essay book has been completely translated from pages 9 to 99. Thus far we have:

1) When I was a Child Star
2) First Love
3) By mistake - Handball Club
4) A Thrilling Weakness! A Life of Lost Property
5) Texas Size (an I.D blog translated by luminaire)
6) Dance! Expertly Parted from my money
7) Bony Bony Rock (an I.D blog translated by deltafour)

Leaving ...er....sixteen to go ^^;;; well! We're a quarter of the way through!

I.D. Essay Book - Dance! Expertly parted from my money

A new essay translation from Maaya's essay book 'I.D.' for you to enjoy. Certainly I really enjoyed translating this one. When I read them straight up I get what's going on but when I don't understand one word I won't spare the time to look it up. By doing these translations you really get into the meatiness of the essay. a bit like going through Shakespeare line by line at school! Hope you enjoy it.

Note: Maaya says the woman is wearing a pink 'matsuri' which means festival, but I thought the alliteration of pink parade invoked the spirit of matsuri ^^V


Dance! Expertly parted from my money
I.D Essay Book

Today when I went shopping I happened to come face to face with a really depressing scene.

Even though I’d been scheduled to have my photo taken for a magazine, I’d accidentally forgotten my accessories when I left the house. This story is something that happened when I nipped out to a department store in a spare moment because, as I’d feared, the balance was off without some accessories.

I went into one shop and I caught sight of a display of various items, grabbed something and went off to the counter to pay. While the shop assistant was away from the till calculating my bill, I milled around, the change in my hand, ready to pay. As I was doing this, suddenly in front of me a mirror door opened to reveal an office lady-type coming out from a changing room. No sooner had she stepped out of the changing room than a shop assistant rolled up saying “Wow, that’s so cute on you!” Now, excuse me for saying this, but it was not cute. The woman was wearing a glossy, sleeveless pink dress and a see-through pink shawl. Put this together with the pink bag and the pink mules she was sporting and the girl having a pink parade.

Now, I am of the opinion regarding clothes than if the person truly likes what they are wearing then good for them, they can wear whatever they want. I have no idea what is in fashion and I think it’s pointless to wear designer clothes if they do not suit you. It is no fun if everyone is wearing the same clothes just because it’s the latest trend. I shouldn’t criticise without giving someone a chance, as there are many people in this world, and many different tastes in clothes; why did I feel such a strong sense of displeasure when I set eyes on this girl?

I think that more than what she was wearing, it was her complete demeanour that was the problem. Despite not looking especially young, her voice was so high-pitched that for an adult it was embarrassing; it was also extremely loud. What got me the most was the way she was standing: her feet were planted really far apart, and when she put the mules on she made a clip-clop noise when she walked. With that kind of form you will not look beautiful to an onlooker no matter what you wear. Add all this to the pink parade the woman had dressed herself in and the situation was hopeless.

“It won’t do if the ceremony is held in a cold hall, how about this jacket as well?” The jacket picked up was, of course, pink.

“Recently a lot of people are wearing black to weddings, you know. So if you pick a bright colour then…” The shop assistant was in full flow.

A man who was probably the pink woman’s boyfriend was hovering nearby, silently watching, and seemed like he wanted to say something. Well, of course you would. You wouldn’t be able to tolerate turning up to a party with someone who made such a bizarre impact on your arm. However, what he finally came up with was: “It really suits you”…is that what one would call kindness? “Really? Oh I don't know…what if I end up overshadowing the bride?” cried the woman in pink, her voice echoing around the shop…so that’s what it comes down to. The shop assistant’s perfectly insincere smile was in place.

When a shop assistant has said “That really suits you!” even I’ve gone, “Oh, you really think so?” when trying clothes on in a changing room, and start to feel the same way. But even when someone has said this to me, it’s almost 100% certain that it is nothing but shameless flattery, just like the situation with the pink woman. For the other party, this is business. There is no way that they always, always tell the truth to the customer.

Even when I bought some black trousers recently, I was politely declining with “Well, my butt is quite big so I think I’ll leave them…” when the shop assistant shot back with “It’s not big at all! You are wearing an extra small size there, so I don’t think you can say that at all.” And I bought the trousers: “Yes, you’re totally right!”

But I know my own butt more than someone who I’ve just met for the first time. Even though my butt has been big since the day I was born, why on earth did I believe someone I’d never met before when they said ‘no, it’s not’. The fact that it was an XS size pair of blank pants has no relation at all because the most important thing is the balance of the whole body. Did this mean I was manipulated just like the pink woman?

Was there someone, another customer, close by, looking from time to time, and thinking to themselves ‘Oh my god, that butt is huge’? Was the shop assistant quietly laughing to herself after I’d gone home: ‘alright, a stupid customer!’?

Since eventually my bill in this shop was paid and I left, I don’t know whether the pink woman bought everything she tried on or not. But I think I’m leaning more towards her buying everything.

You might be wondering what it is I’m getting at. What I’m saying is that in the end fashion is nothing more than an ornament, and if there’s nothing on the inside then it’s meaningless. I’m also saying that my butt is really big. And then there’s also the fact that part of a shop assistant’s job is to sometimes put on a wonderful act, employing the art of flattery. This would be impossible for someone like me who shows everything I’m thinking immediately on my face.

It is like the work of a Buddhist monk, swallowing down everything you want to say in one gulp. However, I am not deceived by these shop assistants. They are probably making these innocent faces to play their customers, then once the customer has gone home, using what happened as conversation material with their colleagues to laugh about. Both ’that’s the last one in stock’ and ‘that’s something new we got in today’ are suspicious.

I know these tactics, but I’m still taken in.

I.D Essay Book - By mistake: Handball Club

Wow! Do my eyes deceive me? Is this a new essay translation from 'I.D.'?? Yes! It is! Unbelievable. It's true, this is the next essay in Maaya's book of essays to be translated. Maaya recalls her encounters with sports. I do like this essay, I hope I've managed to do it justice. Maaya has a really nice sense of humour in her writing, I hope that it comes across in my translation. Enjoy!

By mistake: Handball Club

I have dreadful reflexes.

When I say that, generally the look on the face of the person I'm saying it to will be ‘Isn’t that because you don’t put the effort in?’ Or, it will be a boy who says ‘That’s normal for girls’.

However, only someone who has truly awful reflexes can truly understand the feelings of their inept fellows. When I want to hit a ball really far, why does it hit the floor at my feet with such conviction? If I try table tennis or badminton, I lose without even gaining one serve. When I’m running so hard that it feels like my feet are going to fall off, people get angry and shout ‘Run properly!’ I carry these experiences as a great burden, these dark traumas from my days as a student.

Elementary school. If the teacher said ‘Let’s play dodge ball!’ the kids in the classroom would go crazy. But I would suddenly feel gloomy. It was time to start the team selection process of doom (see note below.) The team members were chosen in order by the two team leaders selected from the class by the teacher. In other words, the kids whose sportsmanship would be an asset to the team were chosen first, and the kids left until the end were basically branded ‘dead weight’.

Naturally, I was the type who was chosen last of the last. When it got down to the last five people to be chosen for a team the leaders' attitude was that of ‘I don’t care who we get now.’ These men who, when they grown up, say things like ‘It’s cute when girls are bad at sports’ were the one's who were completely indifferent to these girls in elementary school! Saying that things like 'it's cute' now won’t help; I won’t ever be able to forget this bitterness!

And the relay race where everyone has to participate, why on earth is that included in sports day? Ridiculous! ‘Who shall we put in front and behind slow-poke Maaya Sakamoto?’ was the topic of class meetings! It would always end up being the fastest people in the class who were put in position in front and behind me for the race.

Which is why even I’m surprised that I ended up belonging to a handball club.

A shiny-new first grader in high school, a student in the year above who was a childhood friend got her hands on me, me, the girl who didn’t know left from right. I joined because she’d said ‘We don’t have enough new students, would you put your name down to get our numbers up? Or even just be a manager for the team’ but actually, they only had two first years including me join the club. And then the other new girl quit after just two months complaining that her ‘feet hurt’.

So, this left the handball club with seven members. The number of team members necessary for a hand ball team to play a match is seven. So without me officially saying whether I’d be a member or not, I ended being a regular.

It was too late to say: no one asked me! If I was to quit now then the girl’s handball team would have to be disbanded because they wouldn’t have the required number of members to play a game.

What? Is that a threat?

All the older girls were really nice, great people, but I found it difficult to cope with the pressure being put on me. It was around the same time that I debuted as a singer, so I was rather busy. If I can’t attend team practice I’ll be letting them down, but I have to go to work - I often found myself torn between these two commitments.

However, it is a fact that I enjoyed myself.

We were a pretty poor team, so our ‘practice’ was rather half-baked. Our sessions consisted of lots of ambiguous activities along the lines of ‘Let’s recite the stations on the Yamanote subway line while passing the ball to each other, then when you hit it back, you have to rush forward and shoot.’ We often had a lot of days off because we were ‘fatigued’ from training. Only our official training camp had a rather spectacular four nights and five days of continuous practice. Going to get a drink of water was somehow a group activity, and seemed to coincide with staring at the boy’s basketball team practicing. We were usually tired out from laughing too much rather from doing exercise. We were always laughing.

Being busy, not really being good at hand ball, getting suntanned, all this was crammed into just one year. After that one year, the senior students would graduate, so whatever happened, the club was to be disbanded. I don’t think there are any other clubs which are as easy-going or as fun as that handball team was. I really loved the girls who were above me.

One day, when that one year had passed in one way or another, something which I had feared since day one came to be: the next handball match was scheduled to take place on a day when I had work.

…I had always known that there was a possibility of this happening but…

I was supposed to be dubbing a Western film on that day, and I was the lead. But for the seniors in my team, this match was their farewell game, and if I wasn’t there then they wouldn’t be able to take part in the game at all.

I played in the match.

After agonising over it for a long time, I chose to participate in the handball game. I caused a lot of trouble for the people at work, and the game finally ended in complete defeat - which meant that we truly were a team who had never won a match. But I think I made the right decision.

I now belong to a gym. I’m actually paying to do sports, something which I thought I hated. Unbelievable. But it’s probably all thanks to that handball team that I’m able to say the words ‘It feels good to move my body.’

Fin.

(Note: Maaya says ‘team selection process of tears’ in the original but I thought DOOM would be a better English equivalent to get her point across)

I.D Essay Book - When I was a Child Star (Final)

Well, here it is. The final part of Maaya's first essay in the book 'I.D', 'When I was a Child Star'. It's been a long time, but I've finally finished it. I apologise for the long wait. I hope that you will indulge me in reading the whole thing from the beginning on one go at some stage. It was long. I hope you enjoy the last part!

When I was a Child Star (Final part)
After All That

It’s been three years since I graduated Komadori.

Nishimura-sensei still, as ever, has a loud voice. Sometimes we go for dinner and she’ll treat me but we’ll argue for some time about whether to have udon or zousui (rice and vegetable porridge) after our hot-pot. Whenever I get in touch to say, ‘Come and see my play, ok?’, she’ll reply with something like ‘I don’t know whether I’ll be alive or not then so I can’t make any promises.’ It’s ok, you definitely have another twenty years left!

With my theatre troupe comrades it seems that there have been various changes over the years. Well, I suppose it has been the same for me, and until you get used to a new environment you are bound to feel full of anxiety. Because of that we often went out drinking together, to share the latest news in our lives, and to encourage each other with whatever we were doing. Recently we haven’t gotten together as often as we used to, and I wonder whether that’s because we’ve all settled down in our various walks of life. But even now when something happens I immediately want to call them up and see their faces. Unfortunately, all of us are very busy.

It was only the other day that I received a call from Nishimura-sensei saying ‘Come and pick up the things you left here.’ It seems she’d started to clean up the old training room.

Several other former members of the troupe and I went back to Komadori for the first time in a long while. Even though she complained about her ill health, ‘recently it’s just…’, Nishimura-sensei’s booming voice remains unchanged.

While sorting out lots of different boxes, we uncovered a large amount of photographs. Photos of when we were children, lots of photos of the children who had been above us, even old black and white photos; an expansive collection telling the story of Komadori’s long history. Looking at the photos, saying ‘Wow! Oh wow!’, even photos of Nishimura-sensei during her youth were discovered. Photos taken before the era of her famous bandana. Her hair cut in a short bob, wearing a dress, the most cheerful face in a long line of people, with an impish smile. This was a photo from when the previous generation were still together, when the troupe had hundreds of members.

I've tried to imagine Nishimura-sensei’s life. She oversaw Komadori’s interviews from when she was around twenty years old. She was just one of many managers at the beginning. I wonder if she ever had any idea that she would be the only one to remain out of the previous generation, continuing on alone. Since it’s Nishimura-sensei we’re talking about, I bet she said with great emotion, a sense of justice, and with guts: ‘We will continue on!’ I imagine that for more than twenty years she has given everything she has to continue to protect the troupe.

It must have been hard work. It must have been tough. I’ve even said some pretty impertinent things to her in the past…

Nishimura-sensei doesn’t have any children. But, myself included, there are a lot of people who think of her as their mother. So in one sense, I think Nishimura-sensei does have a lot of children.

Looking at the photos, I thought how much they looked like a family photo album. A record of all the children growing up into adults, there are also photos of weddings and newborn babies. This is the Komadori inheritance.

The training room of what was once called the Children’s Theatre Troupe Komadori will soon disappear from the corner of that quiet neighbourhood in Shinjuku. It’s sad but a theatre troupe without any members cannot be left as it is. But I don’t think the end come with something as clear cut as taking down the sign, or putting a full stop at the end of such a long history. It might be taking a small vacation, but someday, somewhere, I can imagine a small training room opening, filled with a gathering of loud kids, snotty, cry-babies, naughty, all with loud voices. Until that day, we will all protect this treasure of photographs.

Even if a room which we call ‘Komadori’ does not exist on this earth, there is still a place where we can all return home to. Even when we live apart, family is still family. And when we remember the days we spent together, whenever we wonder how everyone from that time is doing, that place will be right there with us. Those things that we spent so much time building there were the things that cannot be seen with our eyes.

Fin.

I.D Essay Book - When I was a Child Star (Part 7)

Did I ever tell you how bad I am at maths? Yes, that's right, this essay still isn't finished. But we're getting there. One more part after this guys. This was a little short section. The next one is the 'epilogue', so to speak. Enjoy!

When I was a Child Star (part 7)
Graduation

I think that the decision for me to graduate Komadori was made incredibly early on. It was a very natural thought process, to know the day would come when I would become an adult and have to leave this place. Just like the hundreds of students above me who had come and gone, I would have to decide my own path.

I was graduating university when it properly hit me: well now, I’m an adult. Graduation is a time when everyone thinks about their own future, and it’s a matter of course that there will be goodbyes to be said when you start your journey to a new place. That’s just how it is, but what I found distressing was that Komadori wasn’t just any old place to up and leave. Komadori was my family. It was one of a kind. And that was why I struggled with the decision.

When I first confided in my former teacher Nishimura-sensei about what I was thinking, my body was shaking. A teacher has seen countless students fly the nest, and has probably experienced this same scene many times over. We’d both been expecting this day to come but nevertheless we were both affected by it. Nishimura-sensei said even though she was happy to let me decide this for myself, inside she was anxious for me. Not about my work, but because she was praying that I would be able to go on growing in a place filled with good people. Until now I had been protected from things by my teachers, I had no immune system, so to speak. What if I ventured into unknown territory, then was tricked by some good-for-nothing and ended up dead?! It was a little bit of an overreaction but as someone who was like a second mother to me, it was her job to say it, and it was her job to be worried about me. And because I understood that, I knew that it was my job to become happy whatever happened. My repayment to Nishimura-sensei was to be healthy and happy.

For the remaining year of my time there I spent the days slowly preparing to graduate. At the same time I spoke to my teacher about graduating, I had also spoken to my fellow students at Komadori to break the news. Including me there were only seven of us left in the group. Komadori had stopped recruiting new members years ago, so Komadori hadn’t actually been a children’s theatre group for a long time. There was even a girl who had already had her own child. Each of us were busy and completely taken up in our own lives.

We would say things like, we’re living lives that we never even imagined ten years ago, aren’t we? And though we had no way to imagine what it would be like, we would also talk about what might happen in the next ten years, saying things like ‘if we all have kids then we should form the second generation of Komadori!’ Even though we tried not to think about it, we became adults. It may be that we were able to ride out the storm thanks to the protection of the big tree Komadori.

On the long road of life ahead, we must experience the adventure even when we are scared, and we must forge ahead despite hardship; we have to walk on our own two feet.

In the end three of us graduated Komadori at the same time and went off to begin again in a new place.

I.D Essay Book - When I was a Child Star (Part 6)

Ah, what I thought was the penultimate part wasn't actually the penultimate part. Part six is actually the penultimate part of the essay. I should have counted up. The entire essay is composed of seven sections and this is part six. So! Almost finished! The next part will be the end of the essay! Woo!

When I was a Child Actor (Part 6)
Casting off the child actor!

There wasn’t a conscious decision on my part to cast off my ‘role’. But the special treatment I received for simply being a child actor gradually trailed off (for example, if it got late the studio would record my parts first and then let me go home before everyone else, or at lunchtime someone would treat me to a dessert etc.)

And once I entered middle school I was sort of at a loss. When work came in the various hurdles to do with acting I was faced with suddenly seemed to get a lot higher. I started thinking that perhaps up until this point I had just been coasting along as a child actor and maybe I didn’t really have any talent at all, from this I gradually fell into a rut.

Although I had faced the microphone straight on without any nerves in the past, it was at this point I gradually became more and more inhibited by a strange sort of self-consciousness. Perhaps you could say that this is something all teenagers experience, but I tried to hide myself completely, and was afraid of standing out from those around me. I lost the courage to do anything out of the ordinary at all.

No matter how hard I tried to see my work from a rational point of view, it was in this state of mind that I began to experience a mental block towards acting. I would suddenly forget everything I knew, thinking ‘huh? How do I do this again?’ It felt like the film ‘Kiki’s Delivery Service’, when one day Kiki the witch suddenly completely forgets how to fly.

Actually, very recently a director who has often employed me even from way back said to me at a party, ‘Oh yeah, when you were in middle school you didn’t really shine at all, haha!’ Ah, so it wasn’t just me. I had to laugh. But I often wonder whether it was this period, when I held all these questions towards my own acting, that I shed my skin of being a child actor.

Being lost, getting depressed, but then deciding that I actually did enjoy my work and then continuing on with it, I think that I was then able to reaffirm my ambition to become a professional. Well, strictly speaking, from then until now I’ve quite often been lost, troubled or depressed, and whenever this has happened I’ve just decided that, ‘No, I still want to do this’. It kind of makes me want to ask ‘just how many times have we got to go over this before you’re satisfied with the answer?’ But I imagine that I’ll carry on regardless, stopping and starting as I continue on.

Anyway, until then I had been completely happy with my acting. Whatever role it was, I felt that I was able to pull it off perfectly. But then I lost the ability to feel satisfied with any performance I gave at all. No matter how hard I tried, whenever I cleared one hurdle, I would find a new problem. And this cycle has continued until this day.

I.D Essay Book - When I was a Child Star (Part 5)

I know, it's been too long. But finally the next part is here!! The title and first few paragraphs talk about snot. Yes, the green stuff that comes out of your nose. Think of the English phrase: snot faced kid. She means it like that. A little kid, snotty nosed, regular, scruffy.

Apologies for not posting more regularly, real life is busy. Enjoy the essay!

NOTE: Actually, after posting this I just want to add that perhaps a closer title to the original Japanese would be 'Snot Green' (aoppana karaa) but that isn't nearly as poetic as it should be!

Note 2: weirdly, my old fansite from way back in the day still won't die on google rankings. Guitar Chords and Grapefruits. How I loved you (T_T)

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I.D Essay Book - When I was a child star (Part 5)

The Colour of a Runny Nose

“You were so small back then and now you’re so grown up!”

Even now this is always being said to me. It seems that the sight of me coming into the studio with a school bag on my back from way back then has left a strong impression on all the adult actors I worked with. There are also still people who ask ‘Oh, is today a school holiday?’ Or they say something like ‘You were such a snot-faced kid!’. No, no I was most certainly not a snot-faced kid.

‘I remember changing your diapers!’ No, no, I was most certainly not that small.

There are people who say these ridiculous things but I’m very happy that they still remember me from when I was a child actor.

Nowadays you can’t find elementary school kids walking around with snot dripping from their noses. ‘Ah, but I think there were some like that in Komadori!’ – why is it that I start dwelling on that thought?

When I remember all the friends who I went to Komadori with, there were the three Nakamura boys. Each of them had something individually interesting about their characters, but all you saw when you looked at them was that the younger two were wearing the older brother’s hand me downs. The youngest was the same age as me and I have a vision of his rolled up sweatshirt sleeve having snot on it…

Although I was definitely not a snot faced brat, I was definitely ‘as normal a kid as you’d find anywhere’.

When I became an adult and sometimes worked with child actors, they are without exception always dressed up in an adorable way. There is no child who looks like their hair has been cut by the local barber or by their mother. They’d always be in a colourful designer outfit and despite being kids, a lot of them had some kind of aura about them.

I can’t really compare because time has moved on since I was a kid but I haven’t met anyone who was like that younger brother, coming in with a bed head and snot hanging out.

Incidentally, the monthly fee for Komadori was shockingly cheap. Compared to the amount asked for after the first audition that I took at the mainstream theatre troupe it was laughable. This was something I learned later but apart from the joining and handling fees charged by that company, they also charged a fee for shooting profile photos of 40,000yen a year.

When you attend an audition you have to bring a photograph of yourself and it’s true that if you pay a lot of money then you can have a beautiful photo by a photographer that makes you look great but the Komadori profile photos were taken by Nishimura-sensei on a normal camera: ok, cheese! The background was full of bookshelves, dolls and other things with no particular reason for being there.

When going to a big audition where you would meet kids from other theatre groups, our photos were so uncool in comparison to the other children’s photographs that there were times when we’d try to hide the photos with our hands, lest the red eyes and uncombed hair be seen.

By the way, the youngest Nakamura brother was someone who has left a lasting impression on me. He was an actor who put everything into what he was doing. He had a very cute lisp when he spoke and wherever he was he was always popular. He was a complete one-off, there was no one else quite like him. I used to think that maybe he was someone that one would call a genius. Even though he was someone who could have made it with ease, he quit acting without a care in the world when we entered middle school, with the excuse ‘I’m busy with my afterschool club’. And so people graduated, one after the other.

Not everyone entered the theatre troupe because they were enamoured with the glamorous world of the entertainment industry. To lose one’s shyness, as a respite from an unpleasant academic enviroment, there were many reasons for kids joining the group. I think now that there was not one single child there who had conciously thought ‘I will walk the path of an entertainer’.

Children have countless decisions in front of them and countless things which capture their imagination, and they can all be caught in your hand at the same time. Each of these things are real, all of them are equally attainable. In this unique world they continue on, easily doing one thing only to be entranced by something else and naturally letting the first wonder go.

We wanted to do everything. We didn’t work when we were busy with our studies. We didn’t want to skip afterschool club activities. Playing with friends, going on holiday with our families, going to school every day. Without giving something up, doing work on top of all that was something that was a luxury but with Komadori we were somehow able to do it all.

But because of that, sometimes we weren’t able to see the boundary between work and play, and there were times when we pulled too many pranks. But to the very last we were able to express ourselves as we truly were and it was wonderful.

If the Komadori Child Theatre Troupe was still around today, I think that it would still be full of kids who were just like us back then. It’s pretty mysterious but it was a place where strange people, those unlike anyone else, gathered together.

I.D Essay Book - When I was a Child Star (Part 4)

Here's the next part of Maaya's essay 'When I was a Child Star' and in this part she introduces us to the person who helped shape her life at Group Komadori.

Note: 1) 'Sensei' is the title of a teacher which is affixed to the person's name which denotes respect. One can call them by their name + 'Sensei' or just 'sensei' by itself. 2) Shitamachi is an area of Tokyo which is the core of 'Edo' (Tokyo's old name) and people born and raised in Shitamachi and who have been for generations are called Edokko (children of Edo) because they are the REAL Tokyo citizens. Just like Osakans are proud of being Osaka born and bred, Shitamachi are the real deal in Tokyo.

The Legendary Woman, Nishimura-sensei

The name of the teacher who has had the biggest impact on me since the day we first me is Saeko Nishimura-san. She did everything herself, not only acting as the representative of Komadori, but also as the site manager and the drama instructor for the children. So naturally she was very busy and if the numbers at Komadori had increased any more it would have been too much for one person to handle. After I joined the troupe recruitment of new members ceased. With 50 years of history since its formation, Theatre Group Komadori is a long established group which has raised many wonderful actors. It has existed as one of the pioneers of child theatre groups. It is a theatre group with particularly good lineage. When the founder died and it seemed like Komadori would have to be disbanded, Nishimura-sensei along with several other troupe members bonded together as ‘Group Komadori’ and quietly protected its name.

If one saw her, the most unforgettable point of her individual look was the bandana wrapped around her head. Not only that, the bandana was always the same pattern. It's probable that she owned many bandanas which were exactly the same and then changed the one she wore every day but at a glance it always looked the same.

Whenever I was with Nishimura-sensei, even if we had only visited a shop once before, the person behind the counter would whip out a gift of fruit, greeting her with ‘Thank you for your continued custom!’

Her age was unknown. Truly unknown...or rather, it was hard to tell. As I am writing this right now there is currently among my friends and associates not one person who knows how old Nishimura-sensei is. It is thought likely that there is a difference between us of that of a grandmother and grand daughter. She can use mobile phone emails, she is sensitive to fashion trends and is learning French – she is spiritually young. While Nishimura-sensei emits a presence which has even people meeting her for the first time calling her ‘Sensei’, she also has the heart of a young girl who is scared of both lightning and dark streets at night. She is a very elusive person at any rate. There are many anecdotes relating to her, with no limit to what I could introduce here if I told them to you one by one. As I would be able to fill a whole volume with just these stories, for now I will stop here.

However, I have to write that without her I would not be who I am today. Fundamentally, theatre groups and productions, all work concerned with ‘art’ is normally thought of as ‘business’. That’s true, and everyone has to be able to eat. However, the biggest reason that Group Komadori was a strange theatre group was because, for better or worse, their business concept was completely lacking. A true ‘Edo’ woman, who disliked both dishonest business standards and relationships formed out of duty, Nishimura-sensei held her love for her students as her top priority.

It’s easy to say ‘love’ and putting it down in letters here somehow makes it seem a little cheap but, when pushed to describe it, it was close to familial love. Nishimura’s first priority was not to raise good actors, but to raise good adults. She was always saying to the boys, “It’s going to be difficult to survive if you become an actor when you grow up. It’s alright for the girls, they can just become someone’s wife, but men will suffer. It’s better to join some kind of company if you can.” Just like any parent, she seemed to hate seeing us suffer. Always protecting us, sticking up for us, sometimes pushing us to stand alone, being very strict, she was just like a mother and a father. (Yes, she’s still alive)

It was because she was like this that we children naturally came to have a sense of being siblings, even those who had graduated. We are all very similar and we are often told, “Children raised at Komadori have the same DNA, don’t they”. I didn’t really perceive this when I was a child but as I’ve gotten older I have a real sense of just how special it is to have comrades like this. No matter where we are, we look out for each other, sometimes helping each other out or advising each other. Even now, if I’m having a tough time I want to see their faces.

Around Nishimura-sensei, who was stubborn but with the strength of feeling of two people, who was forceful but who we couldn’t come to hate, gathered mysterious and gentle people. People are shaped by who they meet and their environment. I think that the core of my being was created because I met Nishimura-sensei and was raised in the Shitamachi-like air that seemed to drift around her. The 15 years that I spent in the house of Group Komadori, my second family, was an irreplaceable, precious time.

I.D Essay Book - When I was a Child Star (Part 3)

Sorry it took so long, moved back from Japan and have been settling in etc. Here's the next part!


My First Job was to Sing

Two weeks later I sang in a Asahi Television studio.

The job was a song for a commercial and was unexpectedly a solo part. There were two versions, a 30 second one and a 15 second one. First, I had to learn the tune right there in that room with the composer playing the melody on the piano. Then I had to sing into the microphone. During the lessons at Komadori we sang the ‘Doe-ray-me Song’ altogether but other than that we had not had any specific sessions for singing. And it had only been two weeks since that first lesson which had been comparable to a hurricane passing through. I’m being completely honest when I say I was just a completely normal child singing.

This was the system we should probably name ‘the Komadori method’. With no relation to how long one had been enrolled at the school we were sent off to many different places, this was a truly physical style - getting in the practice as one is mastering the work itself. Actually, it would be closer to say that the reason for this was that the number of members in the troupe was so small, even if everyone was working there still weren’t enough people. There were times were one would be rushing to and from many different places in a single day.

Anyway, we were lucky not to have to yearn for ‘work’ but from the beginning were able to just naturally enter the ‘industry’ in the enjoyable, enthusiastic way of a club activity. The seasoned professionals, those kids who were much sought after, no matter who it was they somehow never lost that air of being ‘normal’. That quality was one of the good things about being a ‘Komadori child’ but I think that it must have been tough for the adults around because thanks to that same personality trait we would be as mischievous as usual without even a thought to the fact we were in a studio.

From this time, I became a working elementary student, concentrating mainly on songs for commercials, narrations, and the dubbing of Western movies. I never had any perception that I was ‘working’ but gradually I found my own way of tackling ‘acting’ and as my own perceptions towards it were born and I became a sort of pro.

The first experiments with using actual children to perform in the field of dubbing Western movies were just starting back then. Up until that point it was the norm in dubbing for adults to also perform children’s roles.

From way back I’ve liked this sort of work best. Even now, more than singing, more than anime, more than narrations, more than being on stage, this is the genre that I have done the most with and am most used to, so in the dubbing room I am strangely at ease.

The process of dubbing is to stand with the script in one hand while looking at both the script and the film on a screen, listening to the original audio in one ear, acting in front of a microphone. There’s a lot of ‘while doing such and such’ attached to this and until you get used to it it’s very difficult.

It was difficult for me too but until we got used to it, us Komadori kids would have our teacher next to us through all of the above I’ve described, and the method we used was that whenever it was time to say our lines the teacher would press our backs. On top of this because we couldn’t reach the microphones we had to stand on fruit boxes or telephone books. From the perspective of the adults around us, we must have looked like one of those mechanical dolls which speaks when you press a button on its back. It must have looked pretty funny. I don’t remember exactly when my back stopped being pressed and I became able to do it by myself. When I realised , my teacher had already disappeared from my side.

Computer technology at the time hadn’t progressed to the point it is at now, so when one made a mistake on one line most of the time it was necessary to re-record from the beginning of the scene before. In other words, if you made a mistake you were causing a lot of trouble to your fellow performers. This meant that there was an atmosphere of nervousness, we knew we were playing for keeps. I really liked seeing the craftsmanship and the skills of the adult actors which were being used right there before my very eyes.

Comparing that era to the present, technology really has made leaps and bounds. Even if one makes a mistake you can now re-do just that one section with ease. Although this is truly convenient and I’m glad of it, it feels as if because of that ease the sense of guilt about making a mistake has disappeared somewhat. I got a kick out of that nervousness of working in that live broadcast-like system.

The lessons at Komadori which took place every Saturday were as noisy as being at a zoo. But the time I spent with my friends who were all from different places and of different ages was stimulating, a little different from every day life, and I really enjoyed it. However, because of this reason, although it was the place where I learnt a substantial amount about acting, to the last it felt like I was going there to have fun. From elementary school, after classes and on days off, I was often spending time mixing with professionals and I think this had a big effect on me.

When one asks why I was doing a lot of voice work, it was that the policy of Komadori at that time was “We will not let you miss school’, and this was an iron law. Inevitably it meant that I couldn’t do television dramas and plays etc. where one would be off school for long periods of time. It was thanks to this rule that I was able to work and study at the same time from the third grade of elementary school till the fourth year of university.

On top of that, at the time I didn’t really have an interest in television work. Why didn’t I want to appear on TV? I really hated the “I saw you on TV!” and “Get that famous person’s autograph for me!” I once appeared on a variety show with Sanma-san [a famous Japanese comedian] and the reaction was incredible. I was singled out at school as ‘the girl who appeared with Sanma’. For me this was truly stressful and I thought ‘I’m never going to appear on TV ever again!’ That a girl who joined a theatre group out of her own wishes didn’t want to stand out from the crowd…what a selfish statement.